Wednesday, August 31, 2016

I Occupied a Toilet Stall Next to This Famous Person!

My Celebrity Quiz

Whether you are opening a nail salon or running for public office, it helps to have famous friends. I have 10. See if you can guess who they are. (Answers will be published in this space on Friday, September 2, 2016.)

  1. Character actress who read a poem at my wedding.

  2. Queen Latifah
    Maggie Smith
    Ellen Degeneres
    Margo Martindale

  3. Character actor who introduced me to his exterminator.

  4. Danny Devito
    Steve Buscemi
    Gary Oldman
    Ethan Phillips

  5. Novelist with whom I shared a croissant.

  6. Agatha Christie
    Philip Roth
    Brett Easton Ellis
    Julia Glass

  7. Magazine editor who handed me a paper towel in the ladies room.

  8. Anna Wintour
    Oprah Winfrey
    Diana Vreeland
    Helen Gurley Brown

  9. Publishing magnate who made me sit in the hallway.

  10. Rupert Murdoch
    Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr.
    Martha Stewart
    Sun Myung Moon

  11. Classical composer who had the same piano teacher as me.

  12. Stephen Sondheim
    Leonard Bernstein
    Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
    Nico Muhly

  13. Singer who thanked me for picking up litter.

  14. Luciano Pavarotti
    Beverly Sills
    Tina Turner
    Bette Midler

  15. U.S. Senator who shook my hand at the senior center.

  16. Hillary Rodham Clinton
    Donald Trump
    Bernie Sanders
    Francois Hollande

  17. Editor who sent me to Moscow in February to buy aspirin.

  18. Kurt Andersen of Spy magazine
    Graydon Carter of Vanity Fair
    William Shawn of the New Yorker
    Klara Glowczeska of Condé Nast Traveler

  19. Oscar winner who invited me to his room at the Park Lane hotel.

  20. Al Pacino
    Robert DeNiro
    Jon Voight
    Fred Astaire

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Guilty (A List of My Faults and Transgressions)

In 1998, I was given special treatment by the Clinton administration.

(1) Stole candy from the Red & White supermarket (age 4).
(2) Bought candy with my Sunday-school money at Merusi’s corner store and hid it under the Streeters front porch (primary school).
(3) Told my little brother I had a “thinking cap” like the one in Rocky & His Friends (I didn’t).
(4) Hit Billy Arnold on the head with a floor mop and he had to have stitches (age 5).
(5) Deliberately made Marla Tewksbury bump into a post one day when we were practicing being blind on our way home from school.
(6) Fell down on my way home from school and told my mother that Hanky Buerrman pushed me. (He didn’t.)
(7) Flunked high-school geometry.
(8) Flunked high-school physics.
(9) Dropped out of college.
(10) Got kicked out of acting school.
(11) Lived in sin.
(12) Told a tiny little fib on a 1979 résumé, but it was for a good cause (I needed the job).
(13) Divorced (once).
(14) Shook Donald Trump’s hand (New York, Hearst Building, early 1980s).
(15) Accepted gifts from the Clintons (e.g. a wooden "keepsake egg," painted pink and inscribed "Happy Easter from the White House").
(16) Have not been to church for at least two years.
(17) Have not memorized the Constitution.
(18) Have never provided a home for a shelter animal. (Meghan Cooley and I are working on this.)
(19) Told a U.S. official that I was writing “a best-seller” (not quite true).
(20) Descended from Communist sympathizers (details here).
(21) Used to dye my hair.
(22) Sometimes spend whole days having pointless debates with invisible people.

IMPORTANT: If you know of other bad stuff I've done, or if you just have a vague but nagging suspicion that I MIGHT have done something bad or even borderline bad, I urge you to come forward now and not to wait until I am president of the United States. xo Sadie

Saturday, August 27, 2016

My Position on the White House Bees

One reason I would want to be president is because of the bees. Do you think for one minute that either Bill or Melania give a rat's ass about the White House bees? I honestly fear for all 70,000 of them if either Hillary or Donald gets elected. My husband, on the other hand, keeps a pot of honey on the kitchen table, and every morning he slices his baguette in two and puts orange marmalade on one half and a big dollop of honey on the other. He will protect the bees.

Questions to Ask Yourself Before Running for Prez

Your new workplace.
Today a dear friend suggested that, were I to become the first female U.S. president, I “would not like the job.” Her concern triggered some serious soul-searching. If you, too, are thinking of running for president (because honestly, will there ever be a better time?), I urge you to ask yourself the following questions, which I have helpfully bullet-pointed.

* Are you qualified? I answered this question yes, because the job is basically making speeches, right? I’m pretty good at making speeches. I can even write my own. In fact, I've been writing my own speeches since seventh grade, when I did a humorous presentation, in Miss Weeks's English class, about how to give your dog a bath (my former classmates will testify to its success).

* Do you really want to live in Washington, D.C.? The fact that the job comes with a place to live is a plus for me, since I am essentially homeless, having spent the past five years living in my mother-in-law's apartment. On the minus side, D.C. is hot in summer and I have absolutely no friends there.

* Do you really want a chauffeur, a cook, a housekeeper, a secretary, and a private jet? Of course you do.

* Can you live with the office email system? Because I'm told it sucks. On the bright side: You will have your own office. Not a tiny cubicle furnished with a drawer full of paper napkins and plastic spoons and a dog-eared copy of Words Into Type but a real office with an ergonomic chair and a door that you can shut.

* Can you live on $400,000 per year and a pension of $200,000 (plus a little extra for things like postage)? Yeah, me too. I mean, I've never tried it, but I'm sure I could manage. Besides, as the first woman president in U.S. history, I bet I could get an amazing book deal.

xo Sadie

Above: President Obama meets with a Secret Service agent and his family in the Oval Office (2014).

In My First 100 Days As POTUS

Dear potential donor: Have you noticed that since this wacko election season began nobody has said boo about what he or she would actually do on the off-chance that he or she were to wind up in the Oval Office?

Let me be the first.

If I were POTUS, I would be-quick-as-a-bunny to act on the following initiatives in my first 100 days:

Agriculture. IMO, every public school and federal prison should have an organic garden, and the kids and the inmates should do the work. Research shows that pulling weeds and experimenting with kale recipes is good for people.

The environment. America has too many lawns and not enough butterfly gardens. Lawns are basically chemical dumps. Lady Bird Johnson planted wildflowers along the Interstate; I will ask people to toss out their power mowers and plant black-eyed Susans and milkweed.

The arts. Our nation is in serious need of art therapy—just look at all the nut jobs in politics today. I propose Art Fridays, when everybody—carwash attendants, corporate vice-presidents, congressional leaders—gets the day off to make and appreciate art.

Reforming our criminal justice system. We need to put more animals in prison. Caring for a pet makes us better people, and a lot of dogs, cats, and horses need a loving home.

Notice my use of the subjunctive, above: If I were POTUS, this is what I would do. Because I'm still asking myself whether being the nation's chief exec is a job that a sane person would volunteer for. Will let you know my decision by the end of next week.

Love, Sadie

PS The photo is of a community garden in Detroit.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Sadie the Cleaning Lady

I don't know about you, but I think this would make an excellent theme song for my new unofficial presidential campaign. The song was a hit in 1968 and it's still popular, at least in Australia. Here are the lyrics. Would love to know what you think.

Sadie, the cleaning lady
With trusty scrubbing brush and pale of water
Worked her fingers to the bone, for the life she had at home
Providing at the same time for her daughter

Ahh Sadie, the cleaning lady
Her aching knees not getting any younger
Well her red detergent hands, have for years not held a man's
And time would find her heart in spite of hunger

Scrub your floors, do your chores, dear old Sadie
Looks as though you'll always be a cleaning lady
Can't afford to get bored dear old Sadie
Looks as though you'll always be a cleaning lady

Ahh Sadie, the cleaning lady
Her female mind would find a way of trapping
Though as gentle as a lamb, Sam the elevator man
So she could spend the night by TV, napping

Ahh Sadie, the cleaning lady
Her aching knees not getting any younger
Well her red detergent hands, have for years not held a man's
And time would find her heart in spite of hunger

Ahh, scrub your floors, do your chores, dear old Sadie
Looks as though you'll always be a cleaning lady
Can't afford to get bored dear old Sadie
Looks as though you'll always be a cleaning lady

Ahh Sadie, the cleaning lady
Her Sam was what she got, hook, line and sinker
To her sorrow and dismay, she's still working to this day
Her Sam turned out to be a nervous figure

Ahh, scrub your floors, do your chores, dear old Sadie
Looks as though you'll always be a cleaning lady
Can't afford to get bored dear old Sadie (fade)

Why I Should Be President

Ever since I had a complete nervous breakdown for two days last spring, I have been wondering what to do with the rest of my life, and this morning, while peeling carrots for chicken curry, it came to me: I should run for president! Consider:
(1) I have never before run for public office and I have no political experience of any kind. This alone should endear me to millions of voters at both ends of the political spectrum.
(2) I happen to be a woman, so my presidency would be just as historic as Hillary's but without all that baggage, since I have never met Henry Kissinger or Dick Morris or any of those people.
(3) I have a nice husband. He would make a fine First Whatever. He is an immigrant, but the right kind of immigrant. Meaning that he comes from a country that is part of NATO.
(4) I can read (handy when using a teleprompter) and write (handy for signing bills into law).
(5) I do not have a dog. After I am elected, I will need to get one (every White House family should have a dog). Deciding what kind of dog I should get will spark a national debate, one that diverts media attention during my first 100 days. This is when I plan to sneak controversial legislation through Congress—i.e., while the dog debate is going on and attention is diverted.
(6) I love the arts. Every artist should vote for me. We will do lots of art projects while I'm in the Oval Office.
(7) I have not named any buildings after myself, so if you decide to name your building after me (because I'm the first woman prez and artists love me and all that), you can be the first.
(8) I am not as elderly as my potential rivals, both of whom are due for a major stroke or something. At least Ben Carson seems to think so, and he's a doctor so he should know.
(9) I am basically of sound mind, despite that wee episode back in April, which I will fully explain as soon as Donald Trump publishes his tax returns.
(10) Speaking of tax returns, I have filed one every year since 1972 and I can prove it. I used to spread everything out on the kitchen table but now I use Turbo Tax (like Mrs. Sanders). I have never been audited. Somewhere I read that never being audited is not necessarily a good thing (it means you might be paying too much), but for me it is.
Bonus: I have never been to prison, except to visit friends and relatives. My husband did once spend time in a Zambian jail cell, but that was before I knew him. Besides, he was never formally charged with a crime, and ultimately he escaped. If you want more details, you can read them here.